Author Archive

Monday, June 22nd, 2009 | Author:

It really is incredibly easy to bring an Asian person down.
An Asian person can work tirelessly over a course of decades fighting racial stereotypes to claw his way to the top to reach the pinnacle of his/her career addressing millions of people in an awe inspiring speech… but if somewhere in the distance you can hear the oriental riff:

Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo  Do-Do Do    > GONG <

You know the one… this one:

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That one brief little music riff can tear it all down. All it takes is just 9 music notes.

What other racial stereotype has its own song?
No one knows where its from but everyone knows what it means.
Thousands of years of history, art and culture reduced to a riff.

It’s already bad enough that there’s William Hung.

For more info on the riff…

Within 9 music notes you can completely belittle
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Monday, June 15th, 2009 | Author:

At my previous job there was this lovely receptionist who would deliver a truly pleasant morning greeting accented by a tilt of the head to the right. With a sing-songy adorable chipperness, she’d say “good morning!” and end with a delightful smile after the tilt.
Even if it was a miserable morning — one of those half awake filled with angry grumbling regarding the bitter end to a wonderful weekend — her simple good morning could brighten my spirits and set the tone for the rest of the day. This general warm buttered toasty morning feeling would infectiously spread to others. Even the most hardened bitter anti-morning person would have his heart melted by her sincerity in the greeting. She would do this for the hundreds of people that walked into the building and I wondered how she managed to do this every day without having her head tilt completely off her neck.

This is not what I get at my current job.

This bald headed ass greeter…
No tilt of the head. No pleasantness. Just a cold hearted thud of “good” morning.

But one day, I’m walking behind a middle aged woman and suddenly baldo says with a cheerful aplomb “gooood mooorning!”
then he directs his greet to me…
a curt and dead “goodmring”

this gave me pause but I didn’t think too much about it.
But then I started to notice this consistently would occur if ever I walked in with a woman in front of me.

That’s when I realize that shinyhead might not be an equal opportunity greeter.
I started suspecting that potatohead is either a sexist, racist or just doesn’t like me in particular.
I started purposely trying to speed or slow my walking speed to time it just right so that when we pass in front of El Baldo I could see how he greeted the other person and compare it to how he does it for me.

One time, I noticed a middle age white male with a bluetooth headset stuck in his ear and his lunch pale being dragged behind him on wheels like luggage.
this guy from just outward appearance should be a douche. C’mon! Look at him!
I sped my walk.
Sure enough… he got an enthusiastic warm onion bagel “good morning” and I got a moldy english muffin for breakfast.

I would think that since he’s already in the giving of a pleasant greeting, that this would affect his next greeting and I would be able to catch some pleasantness from this rising tide lifting all boats.
But no.

So the fact he treated a man with a delicious morning greeting suggests that maybe he’s not sexist. So maybe he’s a racist…

I’m not completely sure on this one. I need to speed my walk behind some more minorities before I can know for sure.

There is the other possibility. Maybe he just doesn’t like me…
but he doesn’t even know me! We’ve never talked!

So I figure… maybe if I change my demeanour when I respond with my “good morning.” I will make a heartfelt attempt to cheerfully respond to his dead morning greeting with a pleasant good morning.
Maybe I could drop whatever vinegar I’m producing and honey him into liking me.

So far no nothing.

One day…

one day…

I’m just gonna explode on him. Dramatically point at his bald head and accuse him of his sexist, racist greetings.
Then start laying punches into his bald head and screaming,”GOOD MORNING, motherfucker! GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING!! GOOD MORNING!!! GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!”

…so much power in two words.

Thursday, June 04th, 2009 | Author:

Human biological aberrations like conjoined twins (commonly known as Siamese twins) make me feel uncomfortable.
The idea of your jerkass sibling growing on you…. always borrowing your organs and getting all the girls.
I understand that they are people two… I mean too.

But they make me …. it’s just … uhgghg *shudder* uggggh

But I’m sitting in front of the tube and popping cherries in my mouth when I notice that the cherry between my fingers has a conjoined twin. I pause for a second, expecting to be disturbed.

Photo by HarlanH

Photo by hfabulous

Instead, I eat it and find it to be delicious and convenient. Two cherries for the price of one, only makes it all the more delicious.
Some of them even look like cute little butts.
I want to eat an entire bag comprised only of mutant cherries.

Photo by Esthr

Photo by YoungThousands

But I can do without bagfuls of human conjoined twins.
I just know that I’d end up only liking one of the twins.
“Yeah… I like him alright… it’s just his brother is such a dick. I wish he wouldn’t hang around him so much.”
The two for one deal just doesn’t apply.

Maybe I would feel differently, if I got into cannibalism.

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Thursday, May 14th, 2009 | Author:

Douche Bag.

I’m curious as to why this word has made such a resurgence back into the modern vernacular and how the meaning of the word is evolving/devolving.

I can remember being very confused by all the 1980’s commercials for douches. As a kid, I didn’t understand why woman constantly needed this clean fresh feeling (…down there *wink) so much so that they needed to talk about it with their mothers.

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Somehow people got to thinking this word should be an insult.

While I eventually came to understand what an actual douche bag is, I wasn’t quite sure if I was supposed to be insulted by it. The thing itself serves a specific utilitarian purpose even thought it is used on special lady parts. I feel that calling someone a “tampon” would probably be worse than a “douchebag.” I guess the word itself kinda sounds ugly despite being French. Dooosssh.

I remember hearing it in the movie E.T. when one of Elliot’s brother’s friends said it as an insult with the mother chiding him with,”No douchebag talk here.” I guess it gained popular usage as an insult from a particular SNL sketch called “Lord Douchebag.”

The way it was used in the 80’s seemed like there was no particular definition for douchebag. It seemed to serve as a blanket insult that seemed to generally be used for a replacement for “asshole.” Douche bag would not get you bleeped like “asshole” would.

By the end of the 80s, everyone eventually came to learn that douching is NOT a healthy thing to do for woman; that it upsets the natural fauna going on down there and may lead to some pungent guacamole on that taco. So those incessant Massengill ( “Massengill” a word equally ugly sounding as “douche”) commercials disappeared.

We pretty much lived the 90’s without hearing anyone really using “douchebag.”

But something happened in the late half of the 2000’s where the word suddenly had a resurgence. Some trace it to John Stewart of The Daily Show when he used it on Robert Novak.
Then it spread to other television shows and media. It’s usage again appeared to be used on “assholes.” Suddenly I was hearing it everywhere again, coming out of the mouths of friends and associates.

Then somewhere down the line… the definition of the word evovled away from the generic term for asshole.

I think it somehow coincided with the advent of Kevin Federline.

Suddenly, people developed a defined vision of what a douchebag is… K Fed. A douchebag no longer was just any asshole. It was a certain type of asshole.
I think people were expecting Britney Spears to marry someone else. When everyone saw that she was married to that… they found that the only way to describe that was to define a new word for it.

From Radar magazine:

“Douchebaggery is really an outgrowth of ‘Guido’ style, but it’s rapidly spread through hip-hop, Ed Hardy, and Armani Exchange to become the dominant pollutant of modern culture,” says Jay Louis, who is indeed the expert.

What it really means is still very unclear. I think its still in the realm of “I know it when I see it.” But it seems far more focused than the previous generic “asshole” definition.

It seems to mean someone who does something very unnecessary because he thinks its cool.
Wearing sunglasses indoors. ALWAYS wearing a bluetooth headset. Wearing a jacket but NOT wearing a shirt. Doing kissy face poses to a camera.

I live in fear of being an accidental douche bag since all of the above things can happen if you’re just forgetful. Accidently forget to take off your bluetooth headset and you just might be called a douchebag. So watch out!

For an erudite examination of the word please visit:

For what our culture thinks douchebags are visit:

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Thursday, May 14th, 2009 | Author:

Today in a bookstore I saw a man looking a little too comfortable carrying his wife’s purse.

He was trying to get at a book in a high shelf. I think I saw him lift up one leg bending at the knee in a 90 degree angle while he reached up top for the book.
Then he sauntered over to his wife who had just left the bathroom, carrying the book in 1 hand and had the purse over his shoulder.

I think he was even looking a bit… sassy as he approached his wife.

I say to this man:


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Wednesday, May 06th, 2009 | Author:

There’s a chapter in Jonah Leher’s How We Decide where he talks about overthinking, using as an example a golfer who had an amazing start to a game but completely choked as the game went on.

He apparently was overthinking every move he made while taking his stroke.
At some point your muscles will just know what to do and you do yourself a disservice by overthinking.

It’s probably very true.

I was playing Wii Sports today and while I’m bowling, letting my bowling arm muscles do the work, this is what is going through my head:

Allen Funt…. hmmm.. Funt… what an awful sounding last name. But that’s kinda weird because it’s basically the word “fun” (which is a very nice word) and adding a “t” at the end. Fffffffuuuuuhhhnnn…t  … Yep. It’s definitely the “t”. I just funted. That sounds gross… I funted. Why am I even thinking of this man? I never really watched that awful Candid Camera TV show. I barely remember the show in the 90’s when Allen’s son hosted the show with Suzanne Somers. That was Peter Funt (still sounds awful.. funt)… In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Allen Funt on the original Candid Camera. What does it matter anyway. Hidden camera shows are pretty godawful. Funt. It’s like combining the f-word with the c-word. That’s probably why it sounds so awful….
Oh my God. I just scored 279 points in bowling.

I think I might be able to use Allen Funt in other situations I am expected to perform.
Thanks Allen!

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Sunday, May 03rd, 2009 | Author:

The goalie is the most embarrassing, demeaning position in the sport.

He’s covered from head to toe in thick padding like a tick about to pop. He can barely move about or see the puck on the ground in front of his gigantic thick legs.

photo by ekilby

photo by ekilby

While all the other players are gracefully skating across the ice in quick fluid movements to move the puck forward performing a triple deke or even forming the most beautiful formation in hockey… The Flying “V”…

…the goalie stands around in the crease only to constantly fall on all fours… like a baby giraffe learning to walk.
He’s also always doing comical moves like the splits or the “don’t kick me in the balls” move of closing your legs together.

Is that his head or is that an arm.. a leg...? It looks like a pile of hockey equipment.

Is that his head or is that an arm.. a leg...? It looks like a pile of hockey equipment.

The goalie forms his body in ugly contortions, making all this effort to to get into this weird position only to look behind him and see the damn thing sitting there behind the line spinning and mocking you. That time delay of this awful realization is comical, like a Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff delayed response.

The slow terrible realization of Wile E. Coyote

The slow terrible realization of Wile E. Coyote

It seems like a position that can be played by a guy who’s first learning to ice skate… limbs arbitrarily flying about hoping that something might block a rubber puck going 100 miles an hour.

and I think the biggest insult is that they say to the goalie… “here.. have this stick.”
What the hell does he need the stick for?! He can’t leave the crease.
It might be occasionally used to desperately grab at a puck from a distance while the goalie is down on the floor.
But we all know that it really is only used to pick up the puck during an icing call.

I’m sure the reason Jason of Friday the 13th wears a Detroit Red Wings goalie hockey mask is that he got sick of this demeaning position and is out for revenge.*

*yeah yeah yeah… Jason never played goalie. He just picked up the mask from one of his victims. Shut up.

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Thursday, April 30th, 2009 | Author:

Stop Staring at my Breasts

Drawn in High School.
I’m kinda embarrassed by how obvious this joke is.
I just assume every kid who finds out that that part of a chicken is called “breast” has this image in their head.

Category: Drawings, Works  | Tags: , ,  | Leave a Comment
Thursday, April 30th, 2009 | Author:

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t like seeing pale hairless Asian man legs.
I think its because they’re vaguely sexy… like a woman’s leg.

A tanned hairless leg seems OK to me. The guy is probably a swimmer or a biker so the legs are tanned and probably a bit muscular.

A pale hairy leg seems OK to me too. The guy probably doesn’t wear shorts often but he’s got some hair on him so it doesn’t look anything like a sexy woman’s legs.

But I just don’t like seeing a man with pale beautiful legs, particularly if he’s Asian.
ZZ Top would agree.

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Thursday, April 30th, 2009 | Author:

Much of my knowledge of hockey comes from Disney’s Mighty Ducks trilogy. No, I’m not going to watch Slap Shot… an actual good movie about hockey. I prefer my skewed Emilio Estevez vision of hockey, thank you very much. Now if you want to talk about whether or not D3 was better or worse than D2.. then that’s a conversation I want to partake in.

Even with my Disneyfied version of hockey, I got some things to complain about the game.

Who needs Paul Newman when you have Emilio? I totally believe Charlie would be OK with his hockey coach having sex with his mom if he looks like Emilio!

"Oh, those kids!" Who needs Paul Newman when you have Emilio? I totally believe Charlie would be OK with his hockey coach having sex with his mom.

It seems to me that many penalties in hockey are just natural parts of actually playing hockey. When you’ve got sticks and legs everywhere and all of them are moving about whacking each other at fast speed on slippery ice… how do you even avoid hitting someone with a stick, elbowing the guy behind you or accidentally hooking someone?

But hooking, tripping, elbowing, high sticking are all penalties in hockey.
While I can understand that intentionally doing these things deserve to be considered a penalty but doing it unintentionally shouldn’t.
It’s similar to my soccer experience in which the “no hands” rule applies. I get it. It’s soccer. You use your feet so you don’t use your hands to pick up the ball and toss it around. BUT if the ball bounces off someone’s knee and it just so happens to hit the outside of your hand… why is that considered a foul? I didn’t want to touch the ball with my hand.. it was the ball that hit my hand. It’s the bully who says “stop hitting yourself” when he’s forcing your hand to hit yourself.
The same rules go for hockey and I think it’s wrong.

Speaking of soccer… why can’t you kick in hockey? You can angle your foot.. but you can’t kick the puck in the goal? It’s already hard enough as it is to even get the damn puck in the goal. You’re lucky if you see a game where a team has scored 5 times within an hour and 15 minutes.
Maybe the sport would even be better without sticks. It could be Ice Soccer.

So there are all these minor penalties that seem to occur just by the nature of the game itself….BUT if you want to start to punch a guy straight in the face that’s OK in hockey. You can start whaling on a guy until he’s bleeding on the ice but accidentally kick a puck in the goal and everyone gets pissed.

But what is interesting about fights in hockey is that you can actually beat each other up… but my God.. you don’t want to be rude about it. There’s an etiquette to fighting in hockey.
Some toofless Molson-Drinking bearded Canadian skates on over to his fellow enforcer and they set a time to have a fight together (5 minutes into the third period good for you?… I’m gonna be busy triple deking, could we try to make it earlier?). Once the schedule is all figured out you can have at it.
The  loser is expected to accept his loss graciously… God forbid you start screaming when you’ve lost teeth and your bloody nose is staining the ice upsetting the Zamboni man who’s watching in the corner and is the only guy who really “gets” you.



Look over're upsetting the Zamboni man! You know how sensitive Carl is!

What’s bizarre when two guys on slippery ice are fighting is that they have to hold each other up because otherwise they’d fall on top of each other. So they’re purple nurpling each other through their jerseys and punching each other in the face in this kinda beautiful ice dance of, “I want to kill you so bad… but at the same time I hope you don’t fall down on the ice cause then I’d fall down too…so be careful.. don’t fall down.. cause if you do I am so going to kill you on this cold slippery ice.”

What I do like about Hockey penalties though is how they punish you for them.
How different sports treat penalties is as diverse as the way different parents treat their fighting kids.
Say, an older brother fouls his little sister when they fight over some ice cream.

In basketball they reward the person who was fouled by letting him take a free throw shot. So it’s like the parents giving the little sister even more ice cream because the older brother fouled her.

In soccer, there a lot of the “I’m warning you mister!” with their cute little cards..
“Don’t make me do it… don’t make me do it.. If you don’t listen to me.. I’m going to show you a red card… OHP! That’s it.. RED CARD buddy.. RED CARD.”

But in Hockey, if you commit a foul you have to sit in the penalty box.
It’s the equivalent of the parents saying, “Sit in this box and think about what you did,” while all the rest of the kids are out there tongues waggling madly over the ice cream. It is essentially a “timeout.”

This seems like the best way to penalize someone and is generally  considered good parenting. Empty warnings or rewarding the offended individual does not help them to learn their lesson.

You sit there and think long and hard about the terrible things you said to make that toothless Canadian man cry.

You sit there and think long and hard about the terrible things you said to make that toothless Canadian man cry.. Missy! photo by minter