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Tuesday, January 05th, 2010 | Author:

“You know, sometimes I forget how fun they can be too.”

— post-coital male gynecologist

Thursday, December 24th, 2009 | Author:

These are some games that I play when no one is looking:

  • Pretending someone is chasing you and you have to open your car door/front door with a key quickly
  • squishing people’s heads with my fingers or exploding their heads with my mind.
  • Practicing my ninja skills in a public bathroom. Sitting in a stall doing number 2 when someone else walks into the bathroom. I see if I can remain extra quiet so that he does not notice there is someone else in the bathroom with him.
  • Creating entire backstories to random strangers I see walking on the street. Imagining the dialogue of strangers talking to each other.
  • Imagining parts of the carpet are made of lava.
  • Pretending I have control over a rain droplet as it forms on a window and then slowly slides down collecting other rain droplets along the way down, becoming bigger and faster until it slides off.
  • that a Broadway musical number requires that I feather dust, vacuum and scrub toilets while I am feather dusting, vacuuming and scrubbing toilets.
  • making a dead shrimp carcass talk and do bad impressions of W.C. Fields as it tries desperately to charm a salt shaker.
  • Pretending that my shadow is actually doing that to you (instead of just doing that to your shad0w).
  • Pretending an eraser can erase more than just things on paper.
  • that my two fingers (index and middle) are the legs of a tiny man who can walk and jump on top of cars in parking lots and slide down the car hoods.
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Thursday, December 24th, 2009 | Author:

I’ve had this happen to me several times.

When you’ve just met a person, you’re still trying to figure out who they are.

They decide its good to reveal that they have a sarcastic personality and proceed to tell me something they think is so ridiculously outlandish that I will burst out laughing.

“Yeah.. because my parents are Christian Missionaries who are leaving for Australia tomorrow.”

Unless you say your sarcastic remark with a hilarious voice or facial expression, instead of the style of a deadpan sarcastic twat remark… why the hell would I assume you were being sarcastic.
Having Christian missionaries as parents is very believable.

The world can be a crazy place. Lots of unexpected things happen in life.
The temerity to now assume that I’m a gullible idiot who will believe anything because I didn’t catch your sarcasm?

“Well, if you knew me.. then you would know that what I just said was really funny.”

A lot of good that does when I’m just meeting you for the first time.

Thursday, December 24th, 2009 | Author:

A man is tasting wine and describes the taste:

“Yes, I too sense a distinct almond flavor with hints of elderberries”
> POOT (goes a fart) < "and then an interesting earthy flavor of bits of corn and asparagus" I plan on disowning this stupid idea but I figure I need to get back in the habit of posting. After all, an idea is an idea. It came from me for some reason so I'll record it and maybe learn to understand it and maybe some good will come from it later. God what a terrible fart joke.

Tuesday, July 07th, 2009 | Author:

There have been plenty of jokes made at the expense of Michael Jackson for decades (many of which I enjoyed) but there really is no denying that he was an amazing artist who made music and danced like no one else.

Who else hung around chimps, wearing a single sequined glove, screamed, yelped & giggled through songs (Woo Hoo! Schmon! Heee heee!) and grabbed at his crotch in 3D and made all of it seem cool and effortless.
I still get chills at the way a young Michael screams out, “OhhhhHH! Baby give me one more chance!” in “I Want You Back” and always find myself mesmerize by the sequined mirror ball suit in the video for “Rock with You.”
I’m still amazed at how badass he was in “Smooth Criminal” (and to a lesser degree in “Bad’).  He manages to do what West Side Story failed miserably at doing; convincing dance fighting sequences. A shiny Puerto Rican guy snapping and jazz hands jabbing was no match with a man in a crisp white suit moonwalking and tilting his way against gravity distracting you until you realize that you’ve been hit by… you’ve been struck by… a smooth criminal. OK Annie.

Unfortunately it’s the loud vitiligo pedophilia of recent past that sought to tear down the man and let many of us forget how awesome he was. It confused everyone when he turned into a baby dangling white woman who has sleepovers with boys.

But it’s unfair to have decades of beautiful pop art created by the artist sullied by the man and the way he chose to live his life.

When the first allegations of sexual abuse came out I wanted to believe they were false….hoping that it was possible for a man who had no childhood to be able to live sweetly and innocently like a child as an adult. I want to believe in Peter Pan. I wanted to believe he was just a sweet asexual man, pure of heart and wished only to heal the world and make it a better place.
But humans by nature are sexual beings. It’s hard to find someone who is truly celibate.

The allegations started to become more and more believable synchronized with some of his bizarre behavior.
When it started to feel true…
that’s when I started reevaluating the art when I find out that its been created by a monster.

Suddenly the lyrics to “P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)” meant something else.
“Will You Be There” is now Michael arranging a date for freeing his willy on some child.
“Something about you “baby”.. that makes me want to give it to you” (Baby?… no longer “baby”… you get me, baby?)
“‘Cause If It’s Aching You Have To Rub It” (uhhhhhhg!)
“The Girl is Mine”…. how ridiculous is the idea now of Paul McCartney and Michael fighting over a girl.
That “doggone” girl is mine… what?!
Oh please don’t make me choose between a man who’s abusive to one legged ladies or a nose rotting pedophile who prefers boys!

I don’t want to think of any of his songs in this way. I wish that the art exists wholly as a separate form from the man. I wish I could watch his music videos and enjoy his music without ever wanting to know who this person was that created these things.
For example… I kinda like this painting:

But that’s before I knew it was done by the white supremacist who killed a man at the Holocaust Museum a month ago.. James Von Brunn.

But there is a strong part of me that is unwilling to just accept the work as it is because the belief that the work is an expression from the artist. The ideas sprung forth from the artist’s mind. It came out of him and there had to be a reason why.

Often times I feel that I have many ideas that came out of me that I would love to disown as regrettable bastard children. But I cannot deny that they were bourne for a reason and that they say something about me.

There is another aspect that also troubles me about Michael Jackson that was brought up in the movie, Three Kings.

(Either JavaScript is not active or you are using an old version of Adobe Flash Player. Please install the newest Flash Player.)
Iraqi Interrogator : “What is the problem with Michael Jackson? …Your country make him chop up his face.”
Underwear Model:“I don’t think so.”
Iraqi Interrogator:“Michael Jackson is pop king of sick fucking country.”
Underwear Model:“That’s Bullshit. He did it to himself!”

Did we do this to the man? The white man is the picture of success in America. Did America make the black man hate himself? Is that what Michael was going for with all his plastic surgery?
In America, money will get you very far and the good ol’ US of A has had plenty of eccentric wealthy lunatics who were surrounded by enablers and allowed to do some messed up things. With enough money, there is no one who is going to stop you from making choices that you probably should not. Yes-men enablers will do anything as long as they get money, and don’t care about the consequences. They help create a world that is detached from reality and boundaries.
Jacko wants his drugos… fine… give me the cash and he gets em.
Ultimately, I think that was what killed Jackson.
I would have loved to have seen him have one more glorious return from his downfall in a new phase of his growth as an artist…. but I don’t think he could have pulled it off and maybe it’s better that he went out now.

I hope that with the passage of time, people will remember less about the man but still stand in awe of his art.

Leonardo Da Vinci was also a “child enthusiast.”
But no one really reevaluate Mona Lisa’s smile as modeled after Da Vinci’s own smile after enjoying vigorous sex with young tender boys.
The sexual proclivities of Da Vinci do not diminish his achievements.
I hope the same for Michael Jackson.

Monday, June 22nd, 2009 | Author:

It really is incredibly easy to bring an Asian person down.
An Asian person can work tirelessly over a course of decades fighting racial stereotypes to claw his way to the top to reach the pinnacle of his/her career addressing millions of people in an awe inspiring speech… but if somewhere in the distance you can hear the oriental riff:

Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo  Do-Do Do    > GONG <

You know the one… this one:

(Either JavaScript is not active or you are using an old version of Adobe Flash Player. Please install the newest Flash Player.)

That one brief little music riff can tear it all down. All it takes is just 9 music notes.

What other racial stereotype has its own song?
No one knows where its from but everyone knows what it means.
Thousands of years of history, art and culture reduced to a riff.

It’s already bad enough that there’s William Hung.

For more info on the riff…

Within 9 music notes you can completely belittle
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Monday, June 15th, 2009 | Author:

At my previous job there was this lovely receptionist who would deliver a truly pleasant morning greeting accented by a tilt of the head to the right. With a sing-songy adorable chipperness, she’d say “good morning!” and end with a delightful smile after the tilt.
Even if it was a miserable morning — one of those half awake filled with angry grumbling regarding the bitter end to a wonderful weekend — her simple good morning could brighten my spirits and set the tone for the rest of the day. This general warm buttered toasty morning feeling would infectiously spread to others. Even the most hardened bitter anti-morning person would have his heart melted by her sincerity in the greeting. She would do this for the hundreds of people that walked into the building and I wondered how she managed to do this every day without having her head tilt completely off her neck.

This is not what I get at my current job.

This bald headed ass greeter…
No tilt of the head. No pleasantness. Just a cold hearted thud of “good” morning.

But one day, I’m walking behind a middle aged woman and suddenly baldo says with a cheerful aplomb “gooood mooorning!”
then he directs his greet to me…
a curt and dead “goodmring”

this gave me pause but I didn’t think too much about it.
But then I started to notice this consistently would occur if ever I walked in with a woman in front of me.

That’s when I realize that shinyhead might not be an equal opportunity greeter.
I started suspecting that potatohead is either a sexist, racist or just doesn’t like me in particular.
I started purposely trying to speed or slow my walking speed to time it just right so that when we pass in front of El Baldo I could see how he greeted the other person and compare it to how he does it for me.

One time, I noticed a middle age white male with a bluetooth headset stuck in his ear and his lunch pale being dragged behind him on wheels like luggage.
this guy from just outward appearance should be a douche. C’mon! Look at him!
I sped my walk.
Sure enough… he got an enthusiastic warm onion bagel “good morning” and I got a moldy english muffin for breakfast.

I would think that since he’s already in the giving of a pleasant greeting, that this would affect his next greeting and I would be able to catch some pleasantness from this rising tide lifting all boats.
But no.

So the fact he treated a man with a delicious morning greeting suggests that maybe he’s not sexist. So maybe he’s a racist…

I’m not completely sure on this one. I need to speed my walk behind some more minorities before I can know for sure.

There is the other possibility. Maybe he just doesn’t like me…
but he doesn’t even know me! We’ve never talked!

So I figure… maybe if I change my demeanour when I respond with my “good morning.” I will make a heartfelt attempt to cheerfully respond to his dead morning greeting with a pleasant good morning.
Maybe I could drop whatever vinegar I’m producing and honey him into liking me.

So far no nothing.

One day…

one day…

I’m just gonna explode on him. Dramatically point at his bald head and accuse him of his sexist, racist greetings.
Then start laying punches into his bald head and screaming,”GOOD MORNING, motherfucker! GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING!! GOOD MORNING!!! GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!”

…so much power in two words.

Thursday, April 30th, 2009 | Author:

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t like seeing pale hairless Asian man legs.
I think its because they’re vaguely sexy… like a woman’s leg.

A tanned hairless leg seems OK to me. The guy is probably a swimmer or a biker so the legs are tanned and probably a bit muscular.

A pale hairy leg seems OK to me too. The guy probably doesn’t wear shorts often but he’s got some hair on him so it doesn’t look anything like a sexy woman’s legs.

But I just don’t like seeing a man with pale beautiful legs, particularly if he’s Asian.
ZZ Top would agree.

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Sunday, April 19th, 2009 | Author:

It’s a rare thing to have a situation where humans everywhere must put themselves in the mindset of an immature 13 year old bully…. but it exists.

If ever you are trying to name something, PLEASE try and think like that 13 year old bully.
If you’re naming a child, a Company, a product.. anything you wish to succeed.

Think like that towheaded lug waiting for you after school at the swing set in O’Neil Park.

He’s just waiting there thinking of a clever nickname for you while your peers gather as a rapt audience for that bully to choose a nickname for you and make sure it sticks on you all the way to College.

A quick witty twist on your surname uttered by this bully and you’re marked for life… Turdblossom.

So be prepared.

Try and complete the sentence:
“[Your Name]”! Ha! More like [Witty Wordplay of Your Name]””
And then imagine the twerpy sidekick saying,”Ohhhh… burn!”

Marcia Gay Harden? Hah! More like Marcia “Gay Hard On”

Kiefer Sutherland? Hah! More like Queefer Sutherland!

Think of every variations of similar sounding word with your name.
Does any of it sound remotely close to vulgar sexual slang?

Norm Hiscock
You want me to do what to his what?

Emily Dickinson
You want me to stick what in your son?

If you got Sanchez in your name, NEVER get caught looking dirty.

And if you’re the Fox News Network arranging protests on taxes, don’t refer to it as “Teabagging” without first thinking like the bully!

And watch out for other meanings of different cultures.

North Korea launched their Taepo Dong missile.
A Very Minor Concern: Anagrammatic Forms of the name.
This only applies to erudite puzzle nerd bullies who enjoy crossword puzzles and anagrams.

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Tuesday, April 07th, 2009 | Author:

This is very offensive. I apologize.

I saw USA Today had an article about Michael J. Fox’s optimism. It had a headline that was something to the effect of,”Why His Glass is Half Full.”

And all I could think was:

Because every time he gets a full glass, the water spills out from all the shaking.

I’m going to hell.

Support stem cell research and cure him to prevent jerks like me from making such jokes.