Archive for » March, 2009 «

Thursday, March 12th, 2009 | Author:

Today I heard an Asian guy say, “Let’s go to P.F. Chang’s! I love P.F. Chang’s.”

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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009 | Author:

This post is hopefully the beginning of a series on special relationships.

There are special relationships in a boy’s life that affect him. Sometimes you don’t realize the significance of the relationship until it’s over.

I started noticing him in the office…

We would always arrive at the bathroom door together at the same time.  We would have the politeness struggle of trying to open the door for the other person first. Then we’d arrange ourselves in front of a urinal, always following the standard rule that you always take the urinal farthest away from the other person.

It’s a good rule. You avoid any potential of urine splashback and decrease the chance of an accidental glance of what kind of heat your neighbor’s packing.

No words are exchanged, only the sound of tinkle.

A wash of the hands, out the door and on with our days with nary another thought about what just transpired. These brief anonymous encounters occur every day in the bathroom and no one thinks of anything about the other person peeing at the same time as you.

I certainly didn’t notice anything about him.
Until something happened.

I noticed that during the course of the day, with every single trip I made to the bathroom, he was there with me.

Maybe it”s just a fluke…Maybe it’s just today.
But it turns into a week.

Maybe I’ll drink more today. That should throw him off. Yet there he was.

Two weeks…. A month….Always there peeing at the same time. Every awkward side glance filled with his presence.

This can’t be happening!
How could our daily rituals of liquid intake always occur at the same rate. How could our bladder sizes be the same?

At some point you can no longer deny what is going on between you two.
You can’t fight it. Give in.

You are Pee Buddies.
Somehow fate conspired to have the  two of us reach complete pee synchronicity.

Instead of being ashamed, it should be embraced.
Women have synching menstrual cycles amongst their closest friends. For men,  pee synchronicity is the closets thing we have.

Photo was entered in the 2008 Australian Human Rights Photo Competition

This photo was entered in the 2008 Australian Human Rights Photo Competition

I felt like I needed to say,”hi” to my pee buddy. Was he even aware that we always pee at the same time? Does he even think about me as much as I think about him?

How do I even broach the subject and express these feelings I’ve never felt before toward another man?

I started out by changing the standard urinal selection rule and decide to go one less further than the farthest urinal. I’m one urinal length closer to him. What a thrill! I nervously side glance to make sure he’s cool with it.

He was.
Each time I was 1 urinal closer. Each time the sound of his pee tinkling against the white porcelain urinal louder and louder. Until, officially you become Pee Buddies.

It was never spoken but was well understood by both of us that our Pee Buddy relationship only exists in the bathroom. Outside the bathroom, we did not acknowledge each other.

But such a restriction doesn’t matter because he was the coolest pee buddy ever.
We’d give each other high fives after a good pee. I remember one time, my pee buddy thumbs in the direction of the douchebag in the urinal far over who pees like he’s being frisked by a police officer (both hands against the wall, leaning forward). My Pee Buddy then proceeds to do a hilarious unflattering impression.
He completely deserved the coveted PeeBuddy Award for that.

But now he’s gone.
I’m in a new office now.

I generally end up peeing alone…
I’m sad.

I never had the guts to tell my Pee Buddy that I was leaving to find work elsewhere and that we could no longer pee together….
or that I dreamed that one day we would be in a world where we could pee together all the time…
or that I thought maybe one day we could reach a point where we could hold hands together while we pee….

or ultimately share the same urinal where our two pee streams could becomes one.

So if you find yourself peeing at the same time as someone else, or even pooping at the same, take notice. Treasure the time together. Hold your hand up to the connecting wall of the stall…

and CHERISH it

for it may gone in an instant.

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Sunday, March 01st, 2009 | Author:

Let’s all die in peace.

Your allotted time has been used up and no matter how much we all miss you, you are gone.
Let’s not get dig up your corpse, prance it around to do whatever we want with you.

I would think that the people among the living would give at least that much respect to the deceased.

But apparently not:
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Hey John Lennon !

YOU ARE DEAD.
You shouldn’t even know what the hell a laptop is!

Who the hell decided it was OK to reanimate a corpse to have him shill laptops?!

Yoko Ono.. the corpse ventriloquist.

yoko

I tried with music but I guess I failed so let's do it with laptops! ... and don't forget to buy my hit album Give Peace A Chance: International Mixes on iTunes NOW!


They asked Yoko for permission to do this.

Why does Yoko get to decide what’s done to her dead husband?

There’s nothing said in marriage vows to suggest you can control the desecration of your spouse’s image after death.
It’s ’til Death do us part.

John’s dead. That’s it.

Any promises made during the marriage are null and void now.
He’s in the afterlife having the time of his afterlife, unencumbered by the marriage vows he took in this life.
While here amongst the living we’re taking his image and using it for whatever we want.

YOKO! STOP messing with John’s legacy and take the advice of the McCartney/Lennon song:
LET IT BE.

Until…. maybe after 100 years.

At some point historical icons become so removed from the modern world that it becomes kinda hilarious to desecrate historical figures.

A couple of good examples:

The Conan O’Brien: Lincoln Money Shot

Abraham Lincoln is probably one of the world’s greatest leaders of all time… but it’s been 200 years and the world needed to see this:

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Mary Todd is damn lucky.

Galileo Galilei, William Shakespeare  and Ben Franklin: