Archive for » April, 2009 «

Thursday, April 30th, 2009 | Author:

Stop Staring at my Breasts

Drawn in High School.
I’m kinda embarrassed by how obvious this joke is.
I just assume every kid who finds out that that part of a chicken is called “breast” has this image in their head.

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Thursday, April 30th, 2009 | Author:

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t like seeing pale hairless Asian man legs.
I think its because they’re vaguely sexy… like a woman’s leg.

A tanned hairless leg seems OK to me. The guy is probably a swimmer or a biker so the legs are tanned and probably a bit muscular.

A pale hairy leg seems OK to me too. The guy probably doesn’t wear shorts often but he’s got some hair on him so it doesn’t look anything like a sexy woman’s legs.

But I just don’t like seeing a man with pale beautiful legs, particularly if he’s Asian.
ZZ Top would agree.

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Thursday, April 30th, 2009 | Author:

Much of my knowledge of hockey comes from Disney’s Mighty Ducks trilogy. No, I’m not going to watch Slap Shot… an actual good movie about hockey. I prefer my skewed Emilio Estevez vision of hockey, thank you very much. Now if you want to talk about whether or not D3 was better or worse than D2.. then that’s a conversation I want to partake in.

Even with my Disneyfied version of hockey, I got some things to complain about the game.

Who needs Paul Newman when you have Emilio? I totally believe Charlie would be OK with his hockey coach having sex with his mom if he looks like Emilio!

"Oh, those kids!" Who needs Paul Newman when you have Emilio? I totally believe Charlie would be OK with his hockey coach having sex with his mom.

It seems to me that many penalties in hockey are just natural parts of actually playing hockey. When you’ve got sticks and legs everywhere and all of them are moving about whacking each other at fast speed on slippery ice… how do you even avoid hitting someone with a stick, elbowing the guy behind you or accidentally hooking someone?

But hooking, tripping, elbowing, high sticking are all penalties in hockey.
While I can understand that intentionally doing these things deserve to be considered a penalty but doing it unintentionally shouldn’t.
It’s similar to my soccer experience in which the “no hands” rule applies. I get it. It’s soccer. You use your feet so you don’t use your hands to pick up the ball and toss it around. BUT if the ball bounces off someone’s knee and it just so happens to hit the outside of your hand… why is that considered a foul? I didn’t want to touch the ball with my hand.. it was the ball that hit my hand. It’s the bully who says “stop hitting yourself” when he’s forcing your hand to hit yourself.
The same rules go for hockey and I think it’s wrong.

Speaking of soccer… why can’t you kick in hockey? You can angle your foot.. but you can’t kick the puck in the goal? It’s already hard enough as it is to even get the damn puck in the goal. You’re lucky if you see a game where a team has scored 5 times within an hour and 15 minutes.
Maybe the sport would even be better without sticks. It could be Ice Soccer.

So there are all these minor penalties that seem to occur just by the nature of the game itself….BUT if you want to start to punch a guy straight in the face that’s OK in hockey. You can start whaling on a guy until he’s bleeding on the ice but accidentally kick a puck in the goal and everyone gets pissed.

But what is interesting about fights in hockey is that you can actually beat each other up… but my God.. you don’t want to be rude about it. There’s an etiquette to fighting in hockey.
Some toofless Molson-Drinking bearded Canadian skates on over to his fellow enforcer and they set a time to have a fight together (5 minutes into the third period good for you?… I’m gonna be busy triple deking, could we try to make it earlier?). Once the schedule is all figured out you can have at it.
The  loser is expected to accept his loss graciously… God forbid you start screaming when you’ve lost teeth and your bloody nose is staining the ice upsetting the Zamboni man who’s watching in the corner and is the only guy who really “gets” you.

Toofless

Toofless

Look over there...you're upsetting the Zamboni man! You know how sensitive Carl is!

What’s bizarre when two guys on slippery ice are fighting is that they have to hold each other up because otherwise they’d fall on top of each other. So they’re purple nurpling each other through their jerseys and punching each other in the face in this kinda beautiful ice dance of, “I want to kill you so bad… but at the same time I hope you don’t fall down on the ice cause then I’d fall down too…so be careful.. don’t fall down.. cause if you do I am so going to kill you on this cold slippery ice.”

What I do like about Hockey penalties though is how they punish you for them.
How different sports treat penalties is as diverse as the way different parents treat their fighting kids.
Say, an older brother fouls his little sister when they fight over some ice cream.

In basketball they reward the person who was fouled by letting him take a free throw shot. So it’s like the parents giving the little sister even more ice cream because the older brother fouled her.

In soccer, there a lot of the “I’m warning you mister!” with their cute little cards..
“Don’t make me do it… don’t make me do it.. If you don’t listen to me.. I’m going to show you a red card… OHP! That’s it.. RED CARD buddy.. RED CARD.”

But in Hockey, if you commit a foul you have to sit in the penalty box.
It’s the equivalent of the parents saying, “Sit in this box and think about what you did,” while all the rest of the kids are out there tongues waggling madly over the ice cream. It is essentially a “timeout.”

This seems like the best way to penalize someone and is generally  considered good parenting. Empty warnings or rewarding the offended individual does not help them to learn their lesson.

You sit there and think long and hard about the terrible things you said to make that toothless Canadian man cry.

You sit there and think long and hard about the terrible things you said to make that toothless Canadian man cry.. Missy! photo by minter

Sunday, April 19th, 2009 | Author:

It’s a rare thing to have a situation where humans everywhere must put themselves in the mindset of an immature 13 year old bully…. but it exists.

If ever you are trying to name something, PLEASE try and think like that 13 year old bully.
If you’re naming a child, a Company, a product.. anything you wish to succeed.

Think like that towheaded lug waiting for you after school at the swing set in O’Neil Park.

He’s just waiting there thinking of a clever nickname for you while your peers gather as a rapt audience for that bully to choose a nickname for you and make sure it sticks on you all the way to College.

A quick witty twist on your surname uttered by this bully and you’re marked for life… Turdblossom.

So be prepared.

Try and complete the sentence:
“[Your Name]”! Ha! More like [Witty Wordplay of Your Name]””
And then imagine the twerpy sidekick saying,”Ohhhh… burn!”

Marcia Gay Harden? Hah! More like Marcia “Gay Hard On”

Kiefer Sutherland? Hah! More like Queefer Sutherland!

Think of every variations of similar sounding word with your name.
Does any of it sound remotely close to vulgar sexual slang?

Norm Hiscock
You want me to do what to his what?

Emily Dickinson
You want me to stick what in your son?

If you got Sanchez in your name, NEVER get caught looking dirty.

And if you’re the Fox News Network arranging protests on taxes, don’t refer to it as “Teabagging” without first thinking like the bully!

And watch out for other meanings of different cultures.

North Korea launched their Taepo Dong missile.
A Very Minor Concern: Anagrammatic Forms of the name.
This only applies to erudite puzzle nerd bullies who enjoy crossword puzzles and anagrams.

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Sunday, April 12th, 2009 | Author:

Breast-feeding in public is like a solar eclipse—it’s natural, it’s beautiful, but you’re not allowed to look at it.
–Homer Simpson

I think it’s pretty cool to be able to breast feed.
I’d like to be able to high-five a woman for breast feeding to show her how totally awesome I think breast feeding is.
But I guess I’m not supposed to look at it and she probably has a baby in her arms so she couldn’t really high five me.

But the idea of being able to produce food out of my body…

If I could deep fry potato chips in my stomach or produce m&m’s out of my ears…It’s like a being a human vending machine.
Is she even aware what an awesome superpower this is?!

If I somehow ended up with the powers of breast feeding in some freak radiation accident (or a visit to a sex change doctor in Thailand)…
I would first think… what a privilege it is that I get to do this.

Occasionally I might choose to abuse this power.
If I’m feeling lazy in bed but I needed to get a nice warm glass of milk…
Ploop… squirt squirt and Yummy yum!

If I’m at a delightful dinner party I could finally be the hero who saves the evening when something dreadful happens.
The lovely hostess wishes to serve a charming dessert plate of Oreo cookies. The guests, rapt with anticipation of wrapping their mouths around a chocolaty bit of heaven and cream dipped in milk, are all startled when the hostess reappears out of the kitchen screaming,”Oh dear! We haven’t any milk!”

Everyone would then turn to me and my giant milkers and I would rise up to the challenge by nonchalantly flipping my breasts out and assuredly declare, “not a problem. I’ve got the white stuff you need.”
Ploop..Ploop… squirt squirt and Yummy yum!

This would be a far cry from my normal dinner party experiences in which I’m the only Asian who did not seem to eat much of the food at the party. Then the hostess’ daughter declares,”Oh my God! The dog is gone!” and all the guests turns their heads towards me.
Stupid people. Do they even know how long it takes to cook a dog?!

At some point I would realize that I could use my breast feeding superpowers for the good of all mankind and not just myself and friends.
I would start to be totally generous with it.
You looking hungry over there..
Ploop..Ploop… squirt squirt and Yummy yum!

My milk can nourish the entire world…
I’ll be all around in the dark – I’ll be everywhere.

Wherever there’s a little starving African child without the energy to fight the flies… I’ll be there.
Wherever there’s a pothead who’s got the munchies, Cap’N Crunch but no milk…I’ll be there.
Wherever there’s a poor hobo screaming about the cobras into the darkness … I’ll be there.
Wherever Sean Penn is receiving an Oscar… I’ll be there.
Ploop..Ploop… squirt squirt and Yummy yum!

I may eventually feel that this power is too much work (and it makes my nipples hurt like hell).
The throngs of desperate tit-clutching milk sucklers would surround me and I would have doubts about being a superhero.

But I would come around and realize that with this great power comes great responsibility.

Suck on that.

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Tuesday, April 07th, 2009 | Author:

This is very offensive. I apologize.

I saw USA Today had an article about Michael J. Fox’s optimism. It had a headline that was something to the effect of,”Why His Glass is Half Full.”

And all I could think was:

Because every time he gets a full glass, the water spills out from all the shaking.

I’m going to hell.

Support stem cell research and cure him to prevent jerks like me from making such jokes.

Sunday, April 05th, 2009 | Author:

I don’t remember why I made this. But it was made in Nov-2006.

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