Archive for » May, 2009 «

Thursday, May 14th, 2009 | Author:

Douche Bag.

I’m curious as to why this word has made such a resurgence back into the modern vernacular and how the meaning of the word is evolving/devolving.

I can remember being very confused by all the 1980’s commercials for douches. As a kid, I didn’t understand why woman constantly needed this clean fresh feeling (…down there *wink) so much so that they needed to talk about it with their mothers.

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Somehow people got to thinking this word should be an insult.

While I eventually came to understand what an actual douche bag is, I wasn’t quite sure if I was supposed to be insulted by it. The thing itself serves a specific utilitarian purpose even thought it is used on special lady parts. I feel that calling someone a “tampon” would probably be worse than a “douchebag.” I guess the word itself kinda sounds ugly despite being French. Dooosssh.

I remember hearing it in the movie E.T. when one of Elliot’s brother’s friends said it as an insult with the mother chiding him with,”No douchebag talk here.” I guess it gained popular usage as an insult from a particular SNL sketch called “Lord Douchebag.”

The way it was used in the 80’s seemed like there was no particular definition for douchebag. It seemed to serve as a blanket insult that seemed to generally be used for a replacement for “asshole.” Douche bag would not get you bleeped like “asshole” would.

By the end of the 80s, everyone eventually came to learn that douching is NOT a healthy thing to do for woman; that it upsets the natural fauna going on down there and may lead to some pungent guacamole on that taco. So those incessant Massengill ( “Massengill” a word equally ugly sounding as “douche”) commercials disappeared.

We pretty much lived the 90’s without hearing anyone really using “douchebag.”

But something happened in the late half of the 2000’s where the word suddenly had a resurgence. Some trace it to John Stewart of The Daily Show when he used it on Robert Novak.
Then it spread to other television shows and media. It’s usage again appeared to be used on “assholes.” Suddenly I was hearing it everywhere again, coming out of the mouths of friends and associates.

Then somewhere down the line… the definition of the word evovled away from the generic term for asshole.

I think it somehow coincided with the advent of Kevin Federline.

Suddenly, people developed a defined vision of what a douchebag is… K Fed. A douchebag no longer was just any asshole. It was a certain type of asshole.
I think people were expecting Britney Spears to marry someone else. When everyone saw that she was married to that… they found that the only way to describe that was to define a new word for it.

From Radar magazine:

“Douchebaggery is really an outgrowth of ‘Guido’ style, but it’s rapidly spread through hip-hop, Ed Hardy, and Armani Exchange to become the dominant pollutant of modern culture,” says Jay Louis, who is indeed the expert.

What it really means is still very unclear. I think its still in the realm of “I know it when I see it.” But it seems far more focused than the previous generic “asshole” definition.

It seems to mean someone who does something very unnecessary because he thinks its cool.
Wearing sunglasses indoors. ALWAYS wearing a bluetooth headset. Wearing a jacket but NOT wearing a shirt. Doing kissy face poses to a camera.

I live in fear of being an accidental douche bag since all of the above things can happen if you’re just forgetful. Accidently forget to take off your bluetooth headset and you just might be called a douchebag. So watch out!

For an erudite examination of the word please visit:

For what our culture thinks douchebags are visit:

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Thursday, May 14th, 2009 | Author:

Today in a bookstore I saw a man looking a little too comfortable carrying his wife’s purse.

He was trying to get at a book in a high shelf. I think I saw him lift up one leg bending at the knee in a 90 degree angle while he reached up top for the book.
Then he sauntered over to his wife who had just left the bathroom, carrying the book in 1 hand and had the purse over his shoulder.

I think he was even looking a bit… sassy as he approached his wife.

I say to this man:


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Wednesday, May 06th, 2009 | Author:

There’s a chapter in Jonah Leher’s How We Decide where he talks about overthinking, using as an example a golfer who had an amazing start to a game but completely choked as the game went on.

He apparently was overthinking every move he made while taking his stroke.
At some point your muscles will just know what to do and you do yourself a disservice by overthinking.

It’s probably very true.

I was playing Wii Sports today and while I’m bowling, letting my bowling arm muscles do the work, this is what is going through my head:

Allen Funt…. hmmm.. Funt… what an awful sounding last name. But that’s kinda weird because it’s basically the word “fun” (which is a very nice word) and adding a “t” at the end. Fffffffuuuuuhhhnnn…t  … Yep. It’s definitely the “t”. I just funted. That sounds gross… I funted. Why am I even thinking of this man? I never really watched that awful Candid Camera TV show. I barely remember the show in the 90’s when Allen’s son hosted the show with Suzanne Somers. That was Peter Funt (still sounds awful.. funt)… In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Allen Funt on the original Candid Camera. What does it matter anyway. Hidden camera shows are pretty godawful. Funt. It’s like combining the f-word with the c-word. That’s probably why it sounds so awful….
Oh my God. I just scored 279 points in bowling.

I think I might be able to use Allen Funt in other situations I am expected to perform.
Thanks Allen!

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Sunday, May 03rd, 2009 | Author:

The goalie is the most embarrassing, demeaning position in the sport.

He’s covered from head to toe in thick padding like a tick about to pop. He can barely move about or see the puck on the ground in front of his gigantic thick legs.

photo by ekilby

photo by ekilby

While all the other players are gracefully skating across the ice in quick fluid movements to move the puck forward performing a triple deke or even forming the most beautiful formation in hockey… The Flying “V”…

…the goalie stands around in the crease only to constantly fall on all fours… like a baby giraffe learning to walk.
He’s also always doing comical moves like the splits or the “don’t kick me in the balls” move of closing your legs together.

Is that his head or is that an arm.. a leg...? It looks like a pile of hockey equipment.

Is that his head or is that an arm.. a leg...? It looks like a pile of hockey equipment.

The goalie forms his body in ugly contortions, making all this effort to to get into this weird position only to look behind him and see the damn thing sitting there behind the line spinning and mocking you. That time delay of this awful realization is comical, like a Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff delayed response.

The slow terrible realization of Wile E. Coyote

The slow terrible realization of Wile E. Coyote

It seems like a position that can be played by a guy who’s first learning to ice skate… limbs arbitrarily flying about hoping that something might block a rubber puck going 100 miles an hour.

and I think the biggest insult is that they say to the goalie… “here.. have this stick.”
What the hell does he need the stick for?! He can’t leave the crease.
It might be occasionally used to desperately grab at a puck from a distance while the goalie is down on the floor.
But we all know that it really is only used to pick up the puck during an icing call.

I’m sure the reason Jason of Friday the 13th wears a Detroit Red Wings goalie hockey mask is that he got sick of this demeaning position and is out for revenge.*

*yeah yeah yeah… Jason never played goalie. He just picked up the mask from one of his victims. Shut up.

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