Archive for » December, 2009 «

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009 | Author:

This is very messy and it doesn’t know if it wants to be a poem or not. I’d like to maybe clean this up eventually but here it is now.

O’ tangled beard of nerdy guy
I mourn thy untimely shaving
thou were the envy of  hobos, unibombers, & wookies.
ZZ Top are still raving!
Now trim, clean and proper, for employers most impressed
but lost the clarion call of  “I am probably a rapist.”

Thick and furry like the armpit of a biker
But who do you think you are now?
Captain William Thomas Riker?

Thou tangled bird nest strands was so good for stroking,
facilitating deep thought
a fine companion to a countenance wrought in contemplation
but more often a deep fart.

bits of last Tuesday’s filet o’ fish stored for today’s snack
stroke it fingers ’til entangled in it like a Chinese finger trap
Thou made my pubes green with envy
instead of the usual green with infection from yeast

Van Dyke, chin straps, goatees and mutton chops
soul patch, neck beards, The Village People’s cop
So incredibly furry; your mouth so hard to find
just like the asshole on my behind.

I need not shed a tear
for the beard is everywhere
I see it in that tortured strand of hair grasping for air from a blackened mole atop the very end of a witch’s nose.
I see it performing a backstroke in my clam chowder to say a friendly hello.
I see it clinging to the collective pile on the edge of a public urinal.
Long may you strewn, good beard.
Long may you strewn

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Thursday, December 24th, 2009 | Author:

These are some games that I play when no one is looking:

  • Pretending someone is chasing you and you have to open your car door/front door with a key quickly
  • squishing people’s heads with my fingers or exploding their heads with my mind.
  • Practicing my ninja skills in a public bathroom. Sitting in a stall doing number 2 when someone else walks into the bathroom. I see if I can remain extra quiet so that he does not notice there is someone else in the bathroom with him.
  • Creating entire backstories to random strangers I see walking on the street. Imagining the dialogue of strangers talking to each other.
  • Imagining parts of the carpet are made of lava.
  • Pretending I have control over a rain droplet as it forms on a window and then slowly slides down collecting other rain droplets along the way down, becoming bigger and faster until it slides off.
  • that a Broadway musical number requires that I feather dust, vacuum and scrub toilets while I am feather dusting, vacuuming and scrubbing toilets.
  • making a dead shrimp carcass talk and do bad impressions of W.C. Fields as it tries desperately to charm a salt shaker.
  • Pretending that my shadow is actually doing that to you (instead of just doing that to your shad0w).
  • Pretending an eraser can erase more than just things on paper.
  • that my two fingers (index and middle) are the legs of a tiny man who can walk and jump on top of cars in parking lots and slide down the car hoods.
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Thursday, December 24th, 2009 | Author:

I’ve had this happen to me several times.

When you’ve just met a person, you’re still trying to figure out who they are.

They decide its good to reveal that they have a sarcastic personality and proceed to tell me something they think is so ridiculously outlandish that I will burst out laughing.

“Yeah.. because my parents are Christian Missionaries who are leaving for Australia tomorrow.”

Unless you say your sarcastic remark with a hilarious voice or facial expression, instead of the style of a deadpan sarcastic twat remark… why the hell would I assume you were being sarcastic.
Having Christian missionaries as parents is very believable.

The world can be a crazy place. Lots of unexpected things happen in life.
The temerity to now assume that I’m a gullible idiot who will believe anything because I didn’t catch your sarcasm?

“Well, if you knew me.. then you would know that what I just said was really funny.”

A lot of good that does when I’m just meeting you for the first time.

Thursday, December 24th, 2009 | Author:

A man is tasting wine and describes the taste:

“Yes, I too sense a distinct almond flavor with hints of elderberries”
> POOT (goes a fart) < "and then an interesting earthy flavor of bits of corn and asparagus" I plan on disowning this stupid idea but I figure I need to get back in the habit of posting. After all, an idea is an idea. It came from me for some reason so I'll record it and maybe learn to understand it and maybe some good will come from it later. God what a terrible fart joke.